Yeah right!

I have this friend.

Everytime I talked to him, he would say he was unhappy.

I used to be like that. I used to look through magazines, stare at the TV, flip through web pages and be discontent with all the clothes I didn’t have, the culture I couldn’t grasp, the beauty I wasn’t born with, the money I could only hope to possess by winning the lottery. Which reminds me, he was hoping to win the lottery the last time we talked.

But all the time you lose researching trends and browsing online stores is only that, lost time. Time you lost realizing all of the things you aren’t and don’t have. The pursuit of materialistic nirvana is fun, but you have to remember celebrities, models are paid to dress well and look good–we’re not.

I have this other friend.

She is always unhappy too, but she’s not looking for fame or riches. She just wants to find someone to marry, settle down and have kids before 30. To most of us, this sounds pretty strange, pretty contradictory to the modern world we live in on the West coast.

But I’m kind of domesticated right now and I kind of like it. Clearly speaking, I enjoy the sense of fulfillment you get from housework. The smell of freshly folded laundry, the gleaming white of a clean toilet bowl, the comfort of the couch after a filling meal and the dishes done. Maybe I’m just an intellectual deadbeat.

There comes a point in time in everyone’s life where some things just don’t matter anymore. You can love the way you feel in your banging new outfit, but nothing compares to the warmth of family. You can feel great after a successful day of shopping, but nothing feels greater than accomplishing something with your bare hands - redoing the living room, helping your brother finish a school project, cooking a dinner that’s liked by everyone. You can have hundreds of friends on Facebook and bump into somebody you know everywhere you go, but what’s that worth compared to having just one friend you can count on to pick up the phone at the end of the day and listen to you rant?

Maybe you’re the first friend and have a closet that exemplifies materialistic nirvana. Maybe you’re the second friend and have friendships like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Or maybe you’re both and have as many reliable people on speed dial as Louboutins on your shoe rack.

But I have this friend.

And she has neither.

Yeah, it’s good to be back.

Well not really I guess. Not on these terms. I got my parents on me all the time, bedtime restrictions, TV and Internet restrictions - you’d never know I was turning 20! I’m behind so many episodes on Mad Men, Gossip Girl, 30 Rock, Desperate Housewives - you name it, I watch it. I’ve said good bye to going out on week nights and reveling in those last minute school night outings that come just in time for exams and papers. I’m losing followers on Twitter now that I hardly use the computer and use an old flip phone to replace the one with a full keyboard that I broke. Facebook? What’s that?

Alright, just kidding about that last one. But now that I’m here, it’s like they always say: It’s good to be home. Now I have more time for leisure reading from my favorite library here: Cupertino Library. They have lots of new books (I saw a used copy of Outliers in mint, just-like-new condition for sale on the Friends of the Library shelf for only $2!) and a huge fish tank wall. Not to mention it’s spacious, airy, quiet and comfortable. Now I can spend more time with my siblings too. We’ve already watched two movies together, all three of us: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which we all loved, and Where the Wild Things Are, that one not so much. We’ve played Monopoly, run to 7-Eleven to get “coffee in a Domo cup” and planned to carve vomiting pumpkins for the upcoming holiday.

And how I’ve missed the NorCal people. When I go to school it seems like everyone is friendlier and more willing to talk to you. Yeah girl, I see you in yo boots even though it’s sunny and hot outside. Yeah, they all say “hella”, so what. Yeah, I like to have my 2348935 choices for pho or bun bo hue for lunch. I feel right at home in this sea of Bay Area plaid.

Oh hay Korean guy, I see that Infiniti key hanging from your jeans. Some things never change.

Yeah, it’s good to be back.

(written 26 July 2009)

Recently, my family was fortunate enough to take a vacation and cruise to Alaska. We passed seven indulgent, gluttonous days on a ship, taking in dramatic views and frolicking in family fun. Though not a joke about Sarah Palin was cracked, I could not believe that such a woman presided over what is, IMO, the most beautiful state in America.

Download Your New Twin Sized Bed, Death Cab for Cutie

It’s time to move out. Time to find your own place, pay your own bills, cook your own meals, clean your own bathrooms, etc. These past two years have taught you live away from home; the next two years will teach to make a new home.

I have never done anything monotonous or tiresome like apartment-hunting. You ask all the same questions multiple times, walk through many pools, gyms & business centers, and everything starts to look the same.

Life pushes you to grow so fast, and not in a good way. In these times, kids buy expensive things, go away for school and live in their own places. But most of us are still financially dependent - as students, we can’t afford to pay rent, food & tuition by ourselves. We are lucky, living our “own” lives but essentially still living off our parents. And at our age, our parents were already holding jobs and paying their own bills. But I guess back then we didn’t have cell phones, the Internet or the Disney Channel.

I never knew the newspaper was a suscription-based service until I was in middle school. I always thought what came on our driveway was free. I didn’t know that garbage disposal is another paid service, and you have to pay extra for extra garbage too. But I’ve been cleaning my own bathroom - sinks, toilet, tub shower, everything - for a long time. I make all my own appointments (ortho, doctor, derm, dentist, DMV) and refill my own prescriptions. I learned to cook from my mother, easy stuff of course, and regularly wipe down the stove, microwave, dish rack, kitchen sink and toaster.

I have no credit - no rating because I haven’t signed up for any credit cards and rely heavily on debit. God, I just learned how credit cards work a couple of years ago; I didn’t know you don’t incur any fees unless you don’t pay in full on time! The only thing close to an investment I have is a savings account, that earns like 0% interest (mostly because there’s close to $0 in there). I’ve only put gas in my car a handful of times and washed it at most twice - this is what happens when it’s not really your car.

So here’s to the next stage of growing up - to online bill pay, landlords and a bigger bed. P.S. My bed at home is still a twin.

Photo credit: Decor at candybar dessert lounge in San Francisco via tiffinie t. at Yelp!

I’m planning this paint this in my new room.

Professor is a straightforward man. He holds office hours by appointment only, follows the Chicago Cubs, is not afraid to divulge class feedback calling him “rude” and “downright obnoxious” and holds much concern for our learning. He knows that we want the grade, he wants us to learn. We’ll meet each other in the middle, he says.

College is a funny place. We were still reviewing conditional probabilities in an upper division class - didn’t we have those problems on the SATs? People are so glued to their computers that it’s hard to imagine life back then when we weren’t perpetually sitting in front of the monitor. What did we do back then? Actually go outside and see our friends instead of i-chatting and Facebook stalking, I guess. We drink to get drunk, shit goes down and we all talk about it the next day. College would be boring without laptops and booze, not to mention non-existent. Thank you Dell. Thank you Popov.

(Haha, since when did you drink for taste anyway? Hence coke backs and jungle juice.)

The theme of this quarter has been “Take Home Exams”. I’ve only had one so far and that was all the way back during fall quarter of freshmen year. Now I have two! I don’t hate them or like them. Between a take-home and an in-class, I wouldn’t be able to pick. I dislike all exams.

This is my first post without a picture. To me, it’s looks like it’s missing something but I wanted to focus the attention on the title.

Well I’m off the shower now, and moisturize. Oh that’s another theme of this quarter: Eat less, moisturize more. Not that the two are correlated. It’s better than writing your goals as “lose 10 pounds” and “get perfect skin”. Start with the little tasks. A therapist told me that.

BTW, I can’t get over how cute “Chi Cubs” looks. Then you see thick men in cleats spitting sunflower seeds everywhere. Why does everything look better on paper?

There’s always reflections to be had when a break ends and academic life resumes. This Spring Break I got my teeth cleaned, got through two doctor appointments, took my first trip to Berkeley for a good friend’s birthday party, reveled in the chance to consume decent food and finally threaded my mother’s new Singer.

I also got peed on by my own dog, rejected by my eyebrow ring, was on self-imposed house arrest, burned my forearm with an iron (who irons anymore) and didn’t get to stop by Falafel Drive-In or go to the city to watch Tokyo Sonata, try macarons and grab Belgian fries. While I was doing the dishes, my mother discovered my nape piercing - see, flat hair is never good for anything!

I went to Kaiser twice in three days and the pharmacist even recognized me! I was embarrassed, but glad that I am not having allergic reactions to the Bactrim. It is much easier to take than the doxycyline; I can eat whatever I want with it and it’s less harsh on the stomach. The receptionist at the derm also noticed that I hadn’t been in for a while too. This time, I told Dr. L that I wanted to up my Retin-A and now my face is so dry and flaky. What a blessing it is to those who are born beautiful.

Berkeley was the strangest experience for me. The electricity went out right as C and I were talking out on the balcony and then T’s party was busted by a petty cop right when it just started getting going. Met cool new people and saw ones from long ago. I don’t really hang with this crowd so it was different to be in this atmosphere with all of them - different, but refreshing. Love the hilarious moments of self-realization and epiphany you get the day after. I didn’t get home until six in the morning! So there was definitely a lot of laughing for me.

Now that I’m back at school and finished my first day of spring classes, I’m sinking back into withdrawal. It seemed to have come so late, I don’t want to sleep in my La Jolla bed tonight. I’m dreading going to sleep and waking up in it. Well, I’m definitely swearing to at least go to all my classes. I have made my schedule aware to my friends as part of my reform plan. I’m trying to eat less and drink more liquids. To go to bed earlier and etc. Same old, same old. But knock on wood of course - not the same old results!

Above is a cool thing called a Blog Blossom. It’s a representation of the HTML of my blog. The colored dots represent different things, like images, links and blockquotes. Make your own or check it out here.

Also, I just realized this burn mark kinda makes me look like a cutter. Maybe I’ll take Demi’s lead and cover it up with some bracelets.

This is my current desktop image: my dog B, when he was a puppy. My friend S recently commented on how he liked my desktop because it is clean and uncluttered. I have a minimal aesthetic and told S how really, I just hid all my desktop icons. Reflecting more on the matter, I realized my life is just like my desktop - a ridiculous illusion. From the outside it seems like everything’s in order, but under my tight seal of concealment, I think my life is unraveling quicklier than ever.

You can see from the screenshot two things: that it is 12:40 AM and that my class enrollment time was Tuesday at 4:40 PM. Never in my ongoing two years of college have I forgotten about signing up for classes. It is true that I hold academics much more lightly these days, but even if I skip class and submit assignments late, I will always make time for my class schedule. This time, this time the whole issue slipped from my mind and it wasn’t until almost 10 PM that I logged onto TritonLink and picked my courses. I also had to look up a class that I dropped last year, which I was planning to take during Summer Session. Just my luck (since I am so lucky, after all), MMW3 would only be offered during Special Summer Session, which means the whole summer, and I don’t have enough time to take it Spring Quarter. As a junior, I will be taking this course with freshmen next year.

In regard to the time, I have been going to bed later and later these days. To make up for it, I have been sleeping in later and later. Last night, I was up past 3 AM watching Apple Trailers. Recently, I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona and The Illusionist. No longer does it have to be Saturday or Sunday for me to wake up past noon. Then, all I can think about systematically is what to cook and what to eat. My roommate M left her onion rings out on the counter the other night and I was going crazy because I really wanted them. I’ve blown my money on groceries, all the while still blowing my meal points, and spend everything on going out.

This past weekend was ridiculous. It started on Thursday when I picked up L from work and we got a late dinner at Min Sok Chon on Convoy. Our waiter was a young guy so L jumped on the chance to order soju, and we ended up with a pitcher of the pomegranate flavor he recommended. We were so excited that we returned the next night with a bunch of friends. L and I chose yogurt and S tried to order watermelon, but the lady waitress carded this time. However, apparently out of me and L’s earshot, she said she remembered us from the other night and didn’t ask us! (I did try to smile extra-friendly at her when she came over.) Then Sunday, I had a hankering for fish tacos to go with the leftover CL in our fridge and ended up bringing it to go with Chipotle before T, L & I watched Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Two counts of drinking in public, both not quite meeting the rules. No work done at all. Room not cleaned. Laundry not done. Calls not returned. Locked out of my room twice. Life is pretty much just sleep, shower, eat and sleep again right now. It’s cruelly ironic actually, that I am aware of my college career swirling down toward the drain but all I will do is push it out of my mind. There was a time when I could see the swirling accelerate as it does when coming close to the drain and that would give me a kick in the ass, and all my work would be done. Now, it is only a pesky image that gets consistently pushed under friends, cooking dinner & watching 同事三分親. I don’t know what to do.

And like the friends part is going well! Just recovered from a drunk spat with K. Though that was resolved, I know inside that it cracked the friendship that was only recently solified. For V Day, I made blueberry heart pancakes for everyone (except, K - she got potstickers) and tomorrow morning I want to make Eggs Benedict for L. I do think of my friends a lot. Mostly little things and small gestures. I’ve only recently become a hugger, and a reluctantly at that. Unfortunately, I feel that I’ve been acting annoying lately and that I’m out of the loop, so I’m starting to withdraw again. The littlest things make me estactic, but it’s the littlest things that set me off.

I’m spinning faster and faster - and I think I’m going to reach the drain soon. This ditch that I have dug in unreality has become so deep that I think I can no longer salvage enough to climb out of it. Why is it that my priorities have become so superficial? The top things I’m focusing on aren’t giving back to me - how come I can’t recapture that mantra of hard work in school now will pay off so much later? And my heart hurts.

Poet and masochist Lord Byron proclaimed that lobster salad and champagne were the only things a woman should ever be seen eating. Madame de Pompadour, mistress to the king of France, said of champagne: It is “is the only wine that leaves a woman more beautiful after drinking it”. We know it as the glamorous bubbly drink of celebrations, romance and New Year’s kisses.

I learned this stuff over Winter Break, reading the book by Tilar J. Mazzeo, The Widow Clicquot. Although I didn’t finish it, it was pretty interesting stuff - how a woman reinvented the champange empire. Reading over vacation? Yeah, my break was pretty lame. Besides little gets and meet-ups with assorted friends, it was totally eventless. Utterly boring. I spent Christmas Eve freezing my little fingers off wandering Christmas in the Park with the family and Christmas Day playing Rock Band 2! NYE was equally unexciting: drove the long commute to Union City and sipped mojito wine coolers with my cousins and their two friends. Knocked back bad Hennessy that tasted like fire water and sat lonely on the couch next to my cousin and her boyfriend for the countdown. Can someone tell the Economy to cheer up?

Back at school,  I was glad to be back in my cozy little room. After putting on my satin pillowcase with my new comforter and matching black sheets, I realized how much I was dreading classes and that I was ready to go home already. Good thing K and C are coming down to hang out with me and J! With me living on campus and J living off, I didn’t get to see much of them, but it was still fun. Finally got to hang with K more, talked to J about how “it doesn’t even take a type sometimes”, had lots but-still-not-enough jolly laughs with C and all four of us sipped margeritas on the rocks during Sin City which I always find heart-wrenching. They showed me all the pictures they took on the drive down and hanging out together, and I found myself wishing I had another margerita to wash away the sad feelings welling up in my stomach.

For the New Year, friends and I talked about the tradition of resolutions. Some confessed to haven’t had made any for the past few years, some declared personal goals, some conjured joke resolutions for each other and I just wished I could diligently attend all my classes - which will prove to be a difficult task since economics classes decided to all take place after dark this quarter. I know there will be bad habits I won’t kick but also good ones to be adopted.

So here’s to the New Year: to being a good student and a good friend; to meeting new people and making new friends; to finding something that makes me earnestly happy.

Coming back to college as a second-year, I thought there would be a period of “reacquaintance and refamiliarization” that comes with the start of school. After all, a full three months’ of time separated the end of Spring Quarter and Fall Welcome Week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say, but it also gives people the chance to grow apart. Moving into my new apartment and single room, I thought heavy-heartedly: This is the moment of truth.

Much to my surprise and delight, sophomore year began right where freshmen year left off. We come back and continued college as if summer vacation didn’t happen. Inside jokes persisted and personalities remained the same. Appearances evolved, but it was so comforting and relieving to know that under the new clothes were the same people also eager to remain friends.

After the reacquaintances and catching up, everything about school followed the same trend of having stayed the same. The same sheets were spread on the same uncomfortable fireproof mattress (and one new duvet); the laptop with its charger snaking down behind the same hideous wooden desk (now it sits on a laptop stand flanked by new external speakers); the same unsavory food at the dining hall (exacerbated by the elimination of plastic utensils and take-out containers); the same boring classes and vast campus (revamped with a Burger King and a King Triton statue). It seemed that my nervous expectations about change were a bit melodramatic.

In addition to these trivial, superficial changes, there came some unexpected but significant ones. Along with aforementioned reacquaintances came “new reacquaintances”. A high school friend that I was never very close with; now we divulge personal secrets and party together. An older girl from my high school who I never talked to before; she’s introduced to me to a whole new crowd of people and mascara (not sure if I really like it yet - the people, I mean). An elementary school buddy who used to wait in the bus line with me; now me and K snicker at people in our MMW lecture together.

Though I’m not struggling to meet new people on a 1200-acre campus despite sharing 200 square feet of living space with two other people like last year, I still feel like it’s a new stage of my life. I’ve discovered that I’m not alone, other people care about my well-being. When S chides me about turning in my papers, I appreciate that he cares how I am performing academically. This birthday was the first I ever felt so friend-fortunate; T’s cake was the first genuine homemade gesture I’ve received. I realized I am capable of putting myself out there - I am grateful to J for pushing me to go to M’s birthday party. I know now there’s people who share many interests with me. I really enjoy exploring, sitting and talking with L, who always drives me everywhere with a gracious smile.

But most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to talk about yourself sometimes. If K didn’t accuse me of “keeping secrets”, I’d probably be the only one who knows what is going on in my life. I’ve always been the one to ask “How are you”, hoping to be asked in return, but felt conceited talking about my problems and personal feelings. I could sit through other people’s rantings and esctactic boastings, and I guess people are naturally sociable and curious, but I could never put the spotlight on myself.

Hey - K, thanks for asking. Even though I still regret it. Hahaha!

As Airport Xpress and Cloud 9 shuttles pass by on the road next to my window, I am cruelly reminded how much longer I have to hold on until my trip to San Diego International this Friday night. Hours melt into minutes, and those, into fleeting seconds that sadly but surely count down the time toward my tests.

It’s hard to believe that last year, during this time, I spent the holidays halfway around the world in Hong Kong. Everything was a walk away from the hotel - shopping, eating and every kind of entertainment. Streets were always bustling: morning rush to work, afternoon scuffle for quick lunch and the evening traffic jam when everyone would return home; always crowded: street vendors hawking wares while keeping one eye out for police raids, hungry businesspeople waiting for take-out orders on the way home from work, old ladies in orange rubber gloves pushing trash carts that occupied half the sidewalk; always interesting: looking down there was a mix of expensive leather shoes of men with loud, colorful sneakers of teenage boys, looking up you’d see the many Agnes B. and Gucci monogram purses of office ladies and inhale cigarette smoke swirled with wafting aroma of the nearest fried food stand and looking behind was the sea of Hong Kong people, yakking away on their Hello Kitty-charmed cell phones or shuffling to take out Octopus cards for the last step of their commute.

It’ll be hard not to miss the effiency of the MTR while I drive the long 20 minutes to Sanata Row for a get with my cousin to watch English Premier League soccer. It’ll be hard to beat last Christmas Eve spent in Macau, casino-hopping and enjoying authentic Portugese cuisine. Watching the ball drop in Times Square on TV (even in HD) can’t really compare to the Tsim Tsa Tsui waterfont fireworks display at the stroke of midnight during New Year’s. I’ll always remember looking longingly at the partygoers in Lan Kwai Fong, contemplating deserting my family for some liquored fun but without any companion to do it with.

Desperate the glamorous appearance of spending the holidays in sprawling, metropolitan Hong Kong, I can’t wait for this first Christmas at home from college. Last year, I was the only one missing from my friends who all partied together without me! This year, I can’t wait to see all of them girls, and maybe some new friends from back home too. I look forward to Christmas in Park for fake snow and old holiday displays that haven’t changed with my lil bro, who will looking for his Boy Scout troop tree. I hope to go for a bundled-up walk in San Francisco after catching an evening performance of the Nutcracker with someone, but who wants to watch ballet these days? Haha, I’ll just stick to the 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family or that Christmas Yule Log on Action 36

My Fav Christmas Songs

1. Christmas by the Bay
2. Sleigh Ride
3. Anything by Mariah Carey

Photo: MGM Grand, Macau